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LATEST NEWS
Fall '02
November 8, 2002
A Review of the Preview.
The Unofficial Weekly E-magazine of the Fan Rats
Howdy all, I hope you had a lovely week of miscellaneous Wanking, I know I did. Well, let’s see here - the Rats played against their hometown friends the Pink Panthers this past weekend in the first round of The CVSA Cup, a Cup rich in history (only second to The Scottish F.A. Cup). This first round tilt was a rematch of the 1991 CVSA Cup Final at Oakwood Cemetery, with the Pinks prevailing in that clash 3:2 in overtime.
A magnificent draw - two teams of diverse international culture, the Rats had somewhat of an edge, they have a Canadian in their team, however the Pinks had Randy (ethnicity or origin unknown to modern-day historians, high suspicion is that he might be from Hopewell). And we can't forget Pink cheerleader Tihomir "Alphabet Soup" Ranjelovic, fluent in the finer points of broken-English profanity.
It was a crisp Sunday morning; the fall leaves shinning beautifully in the distant tree line. All tensions from being shot at this week had since diminished (Anyone seen Stone lately?). The boys were eager to get the game started. Pregame motivational speeches from our very own ordained minister of the Sunday Morning Church of JC and Holy Futball, Rev. Johnny X. Giavos, proved important. Johnny Roach and Brent Atkinson performed several special sermons and the hymnals that were performed by Paul Marsh (i.e."The Reflex") gave a feeling of redemption to those of us whose souls are in desperate need of cleansing. Not needing any of the divine intervention, Mike decided that a fresh pint of ale would be his blood of Christ prior to the game. But then again, that's as predictable as the coin toss.
Pregame singing from the Irish lads on the other side of the terraces added to the very tense air that surrounded the game. After a few skirmishes between the rival supporters, the police were able to give the referee the OK to kick off the match.
It was end-to-end stuff; plenty of crunchy tackles and several international pronunciations of the phrase fu¢k off you fu¢king ¢unt. My personal vote will always go to Jimmy Gill every time, however David Dunivan of the Pink Panthers had a honorable mention - his had a distinctive Amelia County twinge to it, it went something like this - "hey fella, go fu¢k yourself you fu¢kerrrrrrrrrrrrrr."
The scoring started with the bad guys belting a deflected corner kick past Jeff, it’s ok though, and Jeff would have his revenge later in the half. A rude awakening, that shook up the lads for a couple of minutes. The Pink Panther coaching staff was quite excited to the point that they actually put their drinks down and started to sing again. Having none of this, the Rats decided to get moving and equalized from a fantastic drop kick from Jeff all the way to our special pensioner Kevin Smith’s right foot for a smooth and calm bender past Randy the Pink Keeper. 1:1, game on matee. This quieted the half-bollocked Pink rowdies. Deep inside they knew who was the better team, and the Rats started to turn it on.
Fresh off his ankle surgery, Johnny Roach tired of talking
, was eager to get into the
game. His presence was felt immediately, as the Scottish avenger was able to polish off a few of the
Pinks defenders and gave The Big Man (a.k.a. Donkey) a through ball that he was able to blast past
Randy to put the good guys up 2:1. Shortly after that Johnny Roach put away a lovely rocket that had
Tihomir Alphabet Soup swearing bloody murder. 3:1 Rats at the break.The half came and went. The second half started with the Pinks eager to get back into the game. A frightening scene occurred when our very own polite and gentlemanly Scottish player Tony went for a header and banged head with one of the Pink players, Jacko Joe. The two went down like Monica Lewinsky on Clinton. With the help of several people, Joe was finally convinced that he should go to the hospital and get some stitches. The staff of The Wank hope that Joe is doing well.
A few heated tackles pursued during the second half. Our very own Masha was judged to be guilty of too much force after one tackle. Tihomir Alphabet Soup was heard to say "hey you fo¢ker, ref - he needs a fo¢king card". Mash as calm as a cucumber was also heard to reply to the angry Yugo "hey, you want me". Infuriated, the Yugo bowed down, and drank some coffee; because that was the only playing time he would be seeing that day (Hey, all you older Pinks - make up a second team, you can actually play some footie on Sunday).
The game turned very evil, the Pinks were able to put away two quick goals that leveled the score 3:3. The full time whistle went and the game was heading for overtime.
A quick regrouping, and some cigarettes proved to be deadly for the Pinks. Johnny Roach and the unstoppable force of the spirit of the almighty Rat gave a punishing reminder to the Pinks that we have got your number this year. A golden goal into the first overtime put the Rats into the second round of The CVSA Cup. Goood game guys, I'm sure we will see you again in the Copa Bruce.
THE WANK(s)
Denying a goal scoring opportunity? On the goal which you are attacking? Hell, Gregory would get one of those weekly if it were a rule.
C'mon. Let the boy out for a few hours on Sunday!
LATEST NEWS
A Review of the Preview.
The Unofficial Weekly E-magazine of the Fan Rats
Stay tuned; NBC’s Nightly News is next . . .
Announcer: Surprising details from the foiled attempted arrest of "The Serial Sniper" in Virginia’s Henrico County.
Wally Wankfield: Good evening, I’m Wally Wankfield. Tom has the night off.
We start our news tonight with some surprising, yet disturbing news from Henrico County, Virginia.
Officials from Henrico County have reported that a group of disgruntled soccer players from a local Richmond, Virginia soccer league actually planned out the arrests of the two illegal immigrants at the Exxon Station at Parham & Broad Street on Monday morning. All this in an apparent attempt to sway the referee association and local parks and recreation departments to lift the ban on open field events.
With the latest information - we now go live to our field reporter, Chastity Knobend. Chastity, what have you learned from today’s startling announcements?
Chasity: Wally, Four people have been arrested and charged with crimes ranging from obstruction of justice, evidence tampering, abuse of police powers, using too much hair highlights, and being Scottish or Mike G.
The bizarre nature of this crime and how it almost paid off is really what is causing some local officials to look at it’s own department’s regulations.
The accused are Mike Huberman, Assistant Commonwealth's Attorney for Henrico, Sgt. Kang Lee, decorated officer of the law, Mr. Brent Atkinson and a Mr. Johnny Roach, both of the run away smash TV show,
.A press release earlier today listed the indictments of the group that is now known as "The Henrico Haggis Hourde".
The group leader, Brent Atkinson, infuriated with the fact that
would not have actual
coverage of his game, Border Chops vs. First Health, called upon his Scottish co-[w]anchor Johnny
Roach to set up an arrest of someone who would fit the profile of the sniper and to ease tension
from local Parks & Rec representatives and allow the games to go on as scheduled.Wally, this is where it gets really twisted - ironically both of the
[w]anchors play on the
same team with the Assistant CA (Mike Huberman) and Sgt. Kang Lee of The Henrico Police Department,
hence the tie in for local prosecutors.A source close to the investigation gave us exclusive information about the meeting held between all four of "The Henrico Haggis Hourde". This meeting eventually set the plans for the staged arrests of the two men at the Exxon station.
While attempting to crash the set of
,
Brent Atkinson and Johnny Roach would not let in a Mr. Jimmy Gill in to observe the show. Thinking
nothing of it, Mr. Gill called both Mr. Atkinson and Mr. Roach a pair of "fooking kuntz" and
staggered back to The Sidewalk Café to indulge in some more pints of Stella Ale with Everton’s very
own Tony Unsworth. The heightened security on the set of Footy TV was the first clue for
investigators in this crime.Unbeknown to the "Triple H Gang" the camera was left on after the taping of the show. The plans all set to hire some unsuspecting illegal immigrants were all caught on tape. Some additional charges will be filled against Mr. Roach for allegedly fondling himself in public, also caught on tape.
The "Triple H" gang hired two young men of Central American decent and asked them to drive a rented white van and call the CVSA hotline at about 10 AM on Monday morning from the now infamous Exxon station.
Tipped off by the two insiders, Mr. Huberman and Kang Lee, the "sniper task force" was ready to pounce in on the men.
Richmond Lawyer Steve Goodwin is representing all four of the gang members. A statement released by Mr. Goodwin this morning was short in effect:
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"My clients are innocent... so fuck off! And if you're hurt, call Goodwin, Sutton, & DuVal!"
Wally: Thanks Chastity. Now on NBC News, we go to Germany where Boris Becker has been sentenced to 3½ years on tax evasion charges. . .
All of the preceding is the work of a bored man sitting in The Sidewalk Café alone with a pint of Stella Ale, except for the Boris Becker stuff.
THE WANK(s)
Utter, utter tosser.
Thanks for the no-show and the wasted Sunday. For once, we wouldn't have minded being "graced" with the presence of Glenn Stone. We missed the playing of the race card and calling volunteer lineswomen whores. Oh yes, and threats to kill fellow players with the "sniper rifle" he claimed to have had September 8 at Bryan Park. Hmmmmmm . . . anyone know the number to the FBI? Chief Moose, we have a third suspect!!
LATEST NEWS
A Review of the Preview.
The Unofficial Weekly E-magazine of the Fan Rats
It was Big and it was Nasty.
A proper thumping this week, eight glorious goals to nil! What a lovely game to watch. Passing as crisp as Johnny Roach's tighty whiteys after a good starching. After a somewhat disappointing previous week of intersquad bickering and crying, the lads had a united reach around and kissed and made up (Kevin, you will have to perform individual hugs this upcoming Sunday.). Big Nasty were exposed as the charlatans they are, being proficient only in the blacker arts of football.
We welcome our newest Rats Messrs. Healey and Graham (still waiting for your Fall '02 dues). Two lovely young men, both with tight buttocks. With several players needing to be off for personal matters, squad rotation was put into full effect this past weekend. Sir Johnny Roach, fresh off his suspension for arguing with upper management, had something to prove this week. A calmer approach was key in the game that had several classy goals. The team put together some lovely footie; too bad the cameras didn’t get this one, oh well.
The referee(s) had to do it without a third person this week. Special service announcement: DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE.
The two that were able to show up did an outstanding job. Daniel still found it necessary to yell at the invisible linesman for a missed offsides call, more on that later. The crowd was entertained throught the game, except for when Mat "I want to be foul-mouthed like me brother" Burton decided it was appropriate to shout out, "Fucking tell me someone is on" right in front of Tony’s two young daughters (editor's note - Tony is Scottish, so I'm sure those ears are still virgin). Mr. Burton has telegraphed me an official apology toward the Beck Family. Paul Marsh, eager to keep the spirits of the fans up, went into a lovely rendition of England’s very own Duran Duran’s "Is There Something I Should Know?".
Halftime came with Mike Gs (it wouldn’t be a wank without Mike) nature show. Whilst some of the boys were "relieving" themselves by the tree line, Mike G gave us all a wonderful educational offering about poison ivy. The take home lesson here was "Leaves of three, let ‘em be".
The second half was simply a great show of passing and teamwork. The Rats were able to keep the Nasty Hacks at bay. The goals that were scored this week were purely fantastic, words can hardly explain, some of those rockets! A real pleasure to watch.
And now for this week’s match against our friends from Poe’s Pub (located on Main Street, just east of Shockoe Bottom). The Rats and Poe’s have had some hard battles in the past, one must not look at Poe’s as a team that will lie over and die. Another 10 AM kick off at Dorey Park this weekend. Set your alarm clocks early, because it is quite a hike to the eastern part of Henrico. The Border Chops will be entertaining us after the game, so try to stick around and support the club.
THE WANK(s)
Yelling at the imaginary linesman.
Swearing in front of two little girls and missing a penalty in the Border Chops game - what a wanker.
We have gone to the trouble of re-creating the posting you made when you destroyed one of the Rats legs last April. It's one thing to be dirty, another to make fun of someone after you take them out. Standing example of "bush league". Next time we'll bring a calculator to count the number of goals (or touchdowns) we score on you.
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As a special added feature, we will reproduce the lyrics of Mash's two favorite Duran Duran songs for all to sing along with as they journey toward Dorey Park & Poe's Pub (who have an absolutely horrible jingle themselves):
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Is There Something I Should Know?
I made a run, I run out yesterday
Tried to find my mountain hideaway
maybe next year, maybe no go
I know you're watching me every minute of the day, yeah
I've seen the signs and the looks and pictures
That give your game away, yeah
There's a dream that strings the road
With broken glass for us to hold
and I cut so far before I had to say
Please, please tell me now
Is there something I should know?
Is there something I should say?
That would make you come my way
Do you feel the same 'cos you don't let it show?
People stare and cross the road from me
And jungle drums they all clear the way for me
Can you read my mind, can you see in the snow
and fiery demons all dance when you walk through that door
Don't say you're easy on me, you're about as easy as a nuclear war
Please, please tell me now
Is there something I should know?
Is there something I should say?
That would make you come my way
Do you feel the same 'cos you don't let it show?
Please, please tell me now
Is there something I should know?
Is there something I should say?
That would make you come my way?
Please, please tell me now
Is there something I should know?
Is there something I should say?
That would make you come my way?
Please, please tell me now
Can you see what makes me blow?
Can you see how much I die?
Every time it passes by
Please, please tell me now
What it takes to make you show
Is there something I should know?
Is there something I should say?
The Reflex
You gone too far this time
But I'm dancing on the valentine
I tell you somebody's fooling around -
With my chances on the dangerline
I'll cross that bridge when I find it
Another day to make my stand, oh..
High time is no time for deciding
If I should find a helping hand, oh..
So why-y-y-y-y-y don't you use it?
Try-y-y-y-y-y not to bruise it?
Buy-y-y-y-y-y time don't lose it?
(chorus)
The reflex is an only child, he's waiting in the park
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover isn't that bizarre
Every little thing the reflex does leaves you answered with a question mark
I'm on a ride and I want to get off
But they won't slow down the roundabout
I sold the Renoir and the TV set
Don't want to be around when this gets out
So why-y-y-y-y-y don't you use it?
Try-y-y-y-y-y not to bruise it?
Buy-y-y-y-y-y time don't lose it?
(chorus)
Oh, the reflex, what a game he's hiding all the cards
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark
And watching over lucky clover isn't that bizarre
Every little thing the reflex does leaves you answered with a question mark
LATEST NEWS
September 25, 2002
A review of the preview.
The unofficial weekly e-magazine of The Fan Rats
Not a Wank of usual nature
"Ok Roachy, put down the joystick and let us play the game!"
- Stanley, September 22, 2002, ~ 11:35 AM
Words of wisdom, words of wisdom. Ah yes, an unfortunate stereotypical performance on and off the field this week by our beloved Fan Rats. A bright and lovely Sunday morning . . . perhaps the Rats should have stayed at home and enjoyed a cup of tea and watched a home decorating show instead of turning up to the game about five minutes prior to kick off? The game was a rematch of the Copa Bruce final from this past June. The Lions Express had won that game, and the Rats were eager to level the score.
The first half was about as pretty as my arse after two days of drinking Stella ale and eating a Vindaloo. An ugly display of verbal and physical threats, harsh words and finger pointing, and that was from our own team towards each other. The Express were delighted to see their archrivals bickering, AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When will the Rats ever learn? Or are they past learning? The usual slagging from our very own Scottish "Coach" made for even more hard times for the Rats during the first half. A disputed non-call from the linesman (referee assistant) had one of the Express players going through the line of defense for a goal. Several words were exchanged from Roachie and former "Weekly Wank" award-winner Brent and the game resumed, to a low lustered midfield battle with numerous verbal assaults and finger pointing. Quite embarrassing really, the Rats had slid back into the dark ages of getting more red and yellow cards than actual shots on goal. As a spectator of this display of true cuntiness, I was getting quite concerned about the future of the Rats, or should we rename ourselves as FC "I still have some things to prove in my footballing life". The fun, or as it seemed, was defiantly missing during the game. Why can’t we as a team come to the realization that we all have played the game for quite a while, some of us more than others and some of us at a higher level. The reality is that we play in a non-professional division one league on a Sunday morning, and if you are that uptight as to slag off your own team mates and or jeopardize the entire team by your individual actions on and off the field, then I suggest that you either hang 'em up or fuck off to a team that has something to prove (i.e. CVSA Premier Division or RMYSL). Don’t blame the referees, we all know they are bound to fuck up the calls and sometimes change the game; this is the CVSA not the English Premiere League. I want to win, but not like this. We had a fantastic record last season, minimal bitching and I can speak for most people, it was fun.
Anyway, after the ref decided he needed to fuck up some more, he sent Kevin off for some colorful verbiage. The team rallied around and put together a second half performance that leveled the score. Older and sometimes wiser, the Rats were able to actually put together a performance that was impressive and not to mention worthy of a win. Time ran short and the game ended in a 1-1 tie.
As mentioned at the top of the Wank, this is not a typical Wank. I am quite disappointed in a couple of you out there in Wank-land. We are all are a team and should be respectful and encouraging of each other, not what happened this past weekend. Until next time.
Big Nasty Bastards are on tap for this weekend. Drive defensively, cuz you never know when you might not be able to play again if ever at all. They are a reckless bunch, and as long as they get "all ball" they don't care if they take out your legs to do it. They'll even heckle you afterward. Remember Nasty Rule #1 - as long as you get "all ball", it doesn't matter whose legs you run through to do it, all knees be damned! In the words of Big Wanky "Fatshit" Tad - "suck it up dude, tough luck, our guy got all ball." Don't worry Fatshit Tad, we'll get "all ball" as well.
THE WANK(s)
This week’s Wanks are:
Big mouth & ill-timed comments.
For reacting to big mouth & ill-timed comments.
Lions Express are a bunch of spoiled malcontents who cry every time they don't get their way. Don't play into their playground horseshit.
Mr. Wank
LATEST NEWS
September 20, 2002
A review of the preview.
The unofficial weekly e-magazine of The Fan Rats
Two Wanks for the price of one! Just remember to clean up after yourself, or you will find yourself in a sticky predicament.
My sincere apologizes to my faithful readers. My fu¢king job had me out of town most of last week, hence the time to write The Wank was at a minimum. Not to worry, though, I have got a lot of good "Wanks" for you this week. With out any further ado -
The season started off with a thunderous bang, or was that Mike G being hit in the chest from a Kang Lee pass? I was not able to witness this piece of physical proficiency, but the report was that our very own red-headed Canadian attempted to chest down a pass but was instead leveled by the size 5 as if it were a medicine ball. The Rats played a scrumptious game of footie and was blessed with a great goal scored by Immaculate Conception - thanks for starting the scoring AFC. A lovely bender from the full back into his own net. 1-0 to the other good guys. After an epistaxis moment (nosebleed), one of the referee assistants needed to go to the hospital. Good news, he’s going to be ok. A wonderful job by the Pink Panther’s very own Ricky Martin on the line as a make shift lines man. A second goal was orchestrated by Martin "I can speak Russian like the best of ‘em" Dell (more on that later). Witnesses say it was a piece of beauty, well done you Arsenal cunty bollocks. Daniel S. thirty push up’s right now! Only professionals are aloud to miss penalty kicks. Roachy take not of this! Any one with their last name beginning with "S" is not allowed to a PK from now on. The game ended with Brent Atkinson leading the post game prayer/statement - Thank God this one is over, lets go down to the Sidewalk and drink of the spirit of Stella - AMEN
Week two had the good guys playing against our Red Brothers from the land formally known as the Soviet Union. The Rats had fun with the Ruskie’s - last year, beating them by an impressive 6-1. Jeff gave the forward last season a testicular check with his goalie gloves after the same guy thought it would be nice to stomp on Jeff’s foot. Anyway, no love lost from the two sides. The weather was promising a shower or two, unfortunately, the humidity was about as high as the temperature between Johnny X’s testies after a good day of cooking Gyros at the Greek Fest, let's just say it was fu¢king hot dude! The game stared off with a dull roar until our very own red-headed Canadian turned up. Smelling of several case of Moslen Golden, Mike (it wouldn’t be a Wank without him) blessed the field with meaningless runs and full contact shoulder charges. The scoring started off with a lovely cross from Jimmy Gill to our very newest Rat, Matt K! (AKA Big Donkey). Standing an impressive 7'6", Matt found the net not once, not twice, but three times during the game. A hatrick scored form the melon of our newest brother all the way from Sheffield England. On that note, we would also like to welcome back to the ranks of The Rats, our other Scottish brother Tony B. We welcome you both with open arms and of course - open legs. Kevin Smith you may start your punishment now, drop and give my 30 pushups too. Two PK’s in a row, The Rats have failed to put a PK in the net. The Ref knowing this felt sorry for us and allowed another penalty after Martin Dell was given a "Russian reach around" in the penalty area. Martin being the diplomat was able to defuse the matter by shouting back some gibberish in some foreign language back to the fouled mouthed Rusky that was yelling at him. Both players exhausted from the verbal confrontation decided that they should just walk way. Any Black Watch or 1816 players reading this, pay heed - It is just a game and no, Bruce Arena does not cruise Bryan Park, not for that reason anyway. Jimmy Gill said, in his eloquent Mersey side tone - "Alright you cunts, Calm down, Calm down, im foking takin dis kick" - and he did 3-1, the good guys. As mentioned prior, the big Donkey put away his third for the day, making it a 4-1 game. Well done!!!!! The Rats are leading the illustrious CVSA first division with a record of 2-0.
The Lions Express. Humm, the last time we played these fellas, they had The Rats number. A beating that only a Rodney King could walk away from Ouch! 3-0 to the bad guys in the Copa Bruce Finals. The Treble died an ugly death that hot and sweaty, drunken afternoon. This time it’s the rematch. Hopefully tempers will remain calm, alcohol intake should be at a minimum (except for Mike of course) and The Rats come out early to polish off the Lions Express in a much-anticipated game. Footy TV, this is the one to film this week! I must leave for now and go and have a movement, until next week - The Weekly Wanks for the opening of Fall '02 are:
THE WANK(s)
The Central Virginia Referee Association - gave the call 50 minutes before NINE fields opened stating that four needed to be shut down. Hmmmm . . . CVSA has their schedule in 2½ weeks ahead of time, but RMYSL has theirs in 48 hours ahead of time. Heil Youth! Heil RMYSL! Heil Amsler, Depcrynski, Renehan, and the rest of the youth league Nazis!
Stanley "8th Minute Red" Rich - for playing during the second half of a second game when it was time to leave for his own son’s game!! Thanks, dad!! The Youth league Nazis don't look so bad now!
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- 09/13/05)