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Summer '02


August 16, 2002

A review of the preview.

The unofficial weekly e-magazine of The Fan Rats


Ok, Ok all you Wankers out there, I need a break too you know! My home life suffered not only for the giving up of Sundays for playing footie, but the ensuing Monday morning had it’s price to pay for writing The Wank, (me boss thought I was actually working on some data, not knowing I was having a Wank).

Righty oh, me loyal readers of The Wank - Let’s start out with the 2002 World Cup. Hmmm, the French Cuntie Wank Bollocks had a lovely showing this time around. Hank did some special Senegal ritual prior to every game that proved to be worth his while. The local English hooligans were given special visas from Johnny X to watch the games in The Copa Room. Only a poor played out second half shite performance against the Brazilians stopped the Lads from being world champs. A side note, and not to be considered being a Wank - The USA had a great showing this time around and well done (A special pat on my back for calling Agoos out prior to his performance). This was a special time for watching the games and we look forward to getting bollocked pissed in 2 years for the Euro championship that will start at a more reasonable time for us ale drinking wankers - 1400 EDT.

As Fan Rat football goes this summer, there are two teams in the summer league: FC Burrito and Sidewalk Café. As in the spring, a "Double" was completed (albeit not the "Drinking Man's Treble" that was thrusted upon us courtesy England v. Sweden). The Sidewalk Café squad was a Giavosesque creation of old Rats, Lions, Mascots, Italians, Rams, & Ravens as the motley crew used that synergy the win the Third Division Championship, taking PK shootouts in the semifinals against Daredevils, and in the finals against Tyrants. In the finals, the shootout went to the 7th Round, meaning the goalies squared off. The young, strapping Tyrants goalie, weighing in at ~170lbs, was stuffed by Kickeroo®. In the bottom of the round, it was time for Kickeroo® to take the spot. He and his 225+ girth put their weight behind it, and crackled the nets for the championship - thanks to all of the cast of characters who made up Sidewalk Café Summer '02, as you have been recognized in the Alumni section, and will be immortalized in cyberspace once the film is developed. Remember, you can dick around with your respective teams as long as you want, but you know where to come to win championships. FC Burrito took a more conventional route, coming back from 0-2-0 to finish 9-2-0 and win the Second Division Championship. Sopranos & Rundi Aadme FC - you are deservedly recognized for your playoff Wankmanship (see below). Rick & Josh - we hope you had a good sendoff.

Speaking of which, the two lads from Philly have been lured to the dark side, and have announced that they will be playing for the perpetually undermanned Rangers this fall. Thanks Rick and Josh for being a part of The Rats, and you know - once a Rat always a Rat! This ale drinking football enthusiast will still stop by Bandito’s for some tasty wings and cold ale to say 'ello. On behalf of The Wank and those associated with The Wank, good luck and don’t be a stranger, or I will have to heckle you during my weekly review.

The summer is a strange time, especially for those of us who are not allowed to take off their shirts because small children cry when I do. It’s been really hot this year and my poor bollocks have dwindled down to two acorn like appendages that are cradled in a Crown Royal bottle holder. Any way enough about me onto The Wanks top ten lists of summer Wankers:

    10: ESPN for changing the World Cup TV schedule
    9: Any one associated with the French
    8: Lack of measurable rainfall - my Wembley like front yard now resembles Oakwood (without the tombstones or empty Colt .45 bottles)
    7: Sopranos FC for turning up with 17 players for a summer league playoff game, and only having six of ‘em legal (CVSA, INS, & otherwise)
    6: Run Diable FC - or however you spell "male whore" in Hindi - for protesting your loss to Sopranos and then not having enough players to play in the final.
    5: David Beckham’s World Cup Hair style.
    4: Gillie’s Creek seven-a-side field. Truly one could not only finish up a football career there, but might need home nursing assistance after suffering permanent brain damage from hitting your head on the bowling ball size rocks planted on the field (editor's note - watch out Amsler; we're coming to John Marshall!).
    3: Roy Keane for letting another Irish twat make you quit the World Cup.
    2: One must never forget that "from behind tackle" (i.e. HACK) that will sideline Derek for a season by our newest rivals The Big Nasty Wankers (editor's & victim's note: "I am Derek Maximus Meridius, commander of the Roman armies of the north, captain of the Fan Rats, loyal servant to Emperor Marcus Arelieus, and wherever Johnny X. serves food. I will have my revenge, in this life or Spring '03. See you then Big Wanky, and remember your stated philosophy that all ACLs are in play as long as you get "all ball", no matter how reckless or from behind!).

    THE WANK(s)
    And the number one Wank of the summer - yes you guessed it:


    1. Jeff Agoos - Lovely World Cup, Mr. Cro-Magnon!
Wanking Now | Past Wanks ahh-> 9-13-05 | 8-25-05 | 4-25&21-05 | 4-1-05 | 11-04 | 10-04 | 9-04 | 8-04 | 6-04 | 5-04 | 4-04 | 2003 | Spring 02 | Summer 02 | Fall 02 |
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