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The Wank
July 24, 2003
A Review of the Preview.
The Unofficial Weekly E-magazine of the Fan Rats
The end of season Wank
Just like some of us that are restricted to not wanking as often as we would like to, this journal is dedicated to the Fan Rats and Border Chops.
My load is heavy because I have not had the time to spew my literal load upon the web site for about 9 months now, a trimester of not wanking . . . hmmmm, sounds familiar? Anyway on with The Wank.
The Border Chops emerged this year as the inaugural (well, almost; there was an attempt in '98-'99) champions of the CVSA’s Masters Division. A slippery game against Edo's Squids on the season opener was the only game the lads conceded this past season. A true team effort prevailed with lots of on and off the field wanking. Congratulations to Chops for an outstanding season and for winning the Masters Division. And since Johnny X. is bailing out of the money pit that is the Border Chop House, the lads will re-emerge in Fall '03 as the ever-so-familiar Sidewalk Café.
The Fan Rats had their own victorious season. A perfect 9-0-0 Spring '03 Regular Season paved the way for the Rats to win the CVSA First Division for the spring season. Over three thousand e-mails between John Roach and Matthew Kirkpatrick paid off in the long run. Let's just hope that their respective employers don’t audit their e-mail accounts. It’s too bad we don’t all have video conferencing, I bet John Roach wears auto erotic bondage clothes at work whilst e-mailing Matt. Anyway, well done boys on a great season in the First Division.
The annual MDCVSA Challenge Cup was now upon us, time for more e-mails, Tony Becks and Rob McCourt got into the action this time. A grand total of 2,574 e-mails passed the electronic mail super intergalactic highway during the week prior to the tournament. Subjects ranging from general fitness to local sobriety meeting spots were offered to the team in an effort to unite the boys for the upcoming famous two day tournament, only second in prestige to The Scottish FA Cup:
- 1825 Rangers 2:1 Celtic
- 1826 Celtic 2:1 Rangers
- 1827 Rangers 2:1 Celtic
- 1828 Celtic 2:1 Rangers
- 1829 Stehousemuir 0:1 Queen of South
(Celtic & Rangers played in Germany in the inaugural "Kööp Der Krout") - 1830-2002 Cup cancelled due to countrywide vote of "we’d rather drink shandy’s all day than play football"
The game was a splendid show of footballing skill between 22 players. It was a soft call by a referee in the last ten minutes that gave the wanky surf boys the go ahead goal. Although the sideline Rat cheering department was full of encouragement and sometimes verbal abuse for the other team, that does not gives former Rat Mr. Pratt the right to give it back to us. Silenced by a fucking shite call and a penalty kick Mr. Pratt gave back some love to the cheering section. The Rats were eliminated from the semi-final bracket. Obviously one of the top teams in this year’s tournament was heartbroken.
Down, but not out (well out of contention) the Rats pulled up their soiled underwear and played against Lions United. A game without much excitement. The Rats easily cruised to a 5-0 victory. A special thanks goes out to "Chucky King Redneck" Johnson for his deliberate from behind tackle on Maty Burton. This writer could go on for a while about that, but I won’t. Chill out Chucky, you’re a good player but that was quite a wank move. See ya' on the Dukes of Hazzard reruns!
After a session on Saturday night, The gang regrouped for the rematch of last year's MDCVSA CHallenge Cup Final against our friends from the Southside - The Metro Sting. Another game that really didn’t threaten the Rats, the score was 4-1, the only goal that Mr. Goldberg let in, except for the penalty. Regrettably, the referee used about as much common sense as I do when I’ve had about 6 Stella’s. Giving Mr. Kirkpatrick a second yellow on a soft call summed up the weekend - It just wasn’t our year to hold on to the Cup.
A special thanks goes to Erwan the Frog, Kofi the Mouse, Sherwood and Javier for coming out to be a part of the team. We welcome you guys to be a part of the family. Thanks again, and we hope you will be a part of our team in the fall.
The never-ending saga called one hot summer or the CVSA Cup final was finally played this past weekend. The field temperature at kick off was 110°; Mash’s scrotal area registered a stiffer ling 115°. Some players were unable to make the game due to various reasons. The task of beating Lions FC was a steep one. However, The Rats have proven that they can hang with the big boys of the Premiere Division. The Rats suffered a set back within the first 15 minutes with Jeff reinjuring his hamstring - ouch! Stanley stepped in the net for the rest of the game. The Lions went ahead at about the half way mark of the first half. A divine cross from Roachy to The donkey had the Rats equal within a few minutes later. Half time came and went with a lovely half time show of Walter showing off his Latino, tattooed hairless chest for all the girls and boys in the crowd, and Jerry styling off his really short shorts for all of those that wanted to see a slender Irish man in action.
The second half stared a little slow for The Rats. The Lions took advantage of that and slipped in another goal. The heat was getting to the boys, and the flare of the game was weltering, hence a third goal by the Lions had the Rats looking for answers or the final whistle? Kevin Smith would have none of that. His northern English motivational calls form the sideline erupted a surge of "umph" from the Rats. A second goal from The Donkey, drew the score to 3-2. Pressing harder than Mash against a Sidewalk Café waitress, the Rats attempted to equalize the score, unfortunately time had run out. A great effort by all, in a well-mannered game with the Lions.
Overall, A great season from Rats and the Chops. Thanks to Mash and Jimmy for handling the Rats front office, and thanks To Mike Finnie for handling the Chops administrative stuff. Thanks to Johnny Roach for being Scottish and taking care of the MDCVSA details. Derek, as always, thanks for doing all that you do with the CVSA and the Rats. Johnny X, thanks for the Copa Room and the Ale served downstairs. And everyone else, thanks for being a part of the best group of Wankers that the Fan will ever know.
See you all in the fall.
THE WANK(s)
All of your $h!+ talking and you left Richmond with your tail between your legs after losing to a team called "AARP".
Editor's Choice.
There was a reason why you were doing the 5th Place game on Sunday.
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- 09/13/05)