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- On September 21, 1989 at the Oakwood Burial Grounds, the Fan Rats played their first
ever match against the Pink Panthers. 15½ years later,
the hostilities resumed as the Rats's second squad, Sidewalk Café, took down the First
Division Pinks in PKs after a 2:2 draw in Copa Bruce
Round of 16. Man of the Match? Hands down it was "GerrysHead" Kealy who missed a PK to
clinch the victory - gee GerrysHead, try kicking the ball in the back of the net from
the spot rather than spending all game playing with everyone else's balls and
trying to find their [G-] spot. Wanker.
At the outset of the evening at Dorey Park, it looked as if Sidewalk wouldn’t even have a squad as Mash and Rob were the only ones at the field at 6-ish. Just before the game the tally swung the other way and it seemed as if Pinks would be short players and did not have a kit - even though they whined to wear their snappy new Liverpool kits (they weren't the visiting team, thus didn't have choice of strip). GerrysHead begged to borrow our red kit (that the Masters had to wear immediately afterward), which lead to Johnny X telling him to “F*¢k OFF, we aren’t gonna wear your sweat in the next game!” Hmm . . . let's recap here:
- Pinks weren't the visiting team, so they didn't have choice of jersies
- After whining to Sidewalk's captain, Sidewalk relented and wore an alternate strip so the Pinks could dress identical to their favourite [British spelling] Merseyside underachievers.
- The Pinks show up without their snappy Liverpool strip, much less anything else to wear.
- The Pinks = C _ _ _ B _ _ _ _ _ _ _ [British spelling].
The Pinks kit finally arrived and the game started with Sidewalk missing key valuable players, the back has not been the same since Derek has not been present, the British connection of "The Pensioner" and Jimmy were missing, Junior was captive on Gilligan’s Isle and Gili was nowhere to be found, presumed to have "faded into bolivian" with Mike Tyson or some of his new X-Ram buddies.
The first goal came from Hugo’s hugo-mungous free kick from 35-40 yards out (by next week it will be from 50 yards out) that blasted the back of the net as the shot heard 'round the world. The second goal came from a David Beckham-esque cross from Charlie to Ricki, camped out in his usual position, squatting on the back post. With a halftime lead of 2:0 Sidewalk looked to be cruising. The second half was not as good though as the boys gave up two goals to a scampering lad that went by Nick - he's rumoured [British spelling] to be GerrysHead's love slave who GerrysHead makes jealous by fondling the opposition during the match.
The first OT session started with Sidewalk on the downhill side at an obvious disadvantage as Daniel argued - imagine that! - with the referees over their method of a coin toss. Sidewalk held strong through various attacks and took the good side of the field for the second half of OT. Sidewalk challenged a few times with Mike Gregory missing numerous chances to finish off the game with a golden goal.
On to PK’s, first up Daniel who notched one for the good guys. Jeff Oberg then promptly dismissed an elementary attempt by a unnamed Pink. Stanley then told the guys he would choke if he went last so he jumped Ricki for the second slot and converted. Pinks then scored a lucky one that Jeff got a piece of. Then came Gregory who had been telling everyone beforehand that the Pinks keeper sucked low, to just keep the ball low and slot it to either side. Since Mike is known to have many arguments with himself, he ignored his own advice and proceeded to hit a waist high shot about six inches to the right of the keeper which was easily blocked. GerrysHead then flogged one over the crossbar, stealing the David Beckham tag from Charlie. Hugo followed with a straight forward blast that would’ve broken the Pinks keeper in pieces had he not jumped out of the way. Finally a Pink shanked another over the goal and the game was ours.
A postgame brouhaha ensued when GerrysHead kept trying to test Jeff for a hernia. Jeff did not want anything to do with the perverted one and a fight almost ensued. - As for the Rat Masters, in a heated battle with a becoming long-time nemesis
Variable FC, words were exchanged early and often. Variable jumped to a 1:0 lead when they
flooded the box with three men and knocked a nice cross in. One of Fluctuating FC’s forwards
then strolled by the Rat Master bench taunting Johnny X, "That one was for you big
dog!" After the Sidewalkers had finished their beers and gotten into the heckling
portion of the game, the Masters gave up another goal on a nicely executed heel across the
box to Uncertain FC’s only goal scorer, we will reference as "Simon" due to his think
glasses [Editor's Note: having knocked Variable FC out of the CVSA Cup, Sidewalk Café
players referred to this player as "Jimmy Neutron"]. Simon says fall to the
ground, sqweel like a bi+ch and hope for a foul… Rat Masters were down 2:0
at half and had the disadvantage of having the bad side for the second half.
Daniel Salomonsky put the Rat Masters on the board with a sequence something like this:- Johnny did something awkward, but kicked a through ball which barely made it to the top corner of the penalty box;
- Daniel had to out race the lone defender to the ball;
- Daniel timed it perfectly to get to the ball just ahead of the defender;
- The defender, not knowing how delicate Daniel is, smashed into him (ok, maybe he just brushed his jersey), which threw him to the ground.
- Surprise of surprises, the Ref actually called a PK.
- Daniel then voted himself "Man of the Match". The rest is history.
Simon was giving everyone a load of shi+ which prompted Johnny X to help him straighten out his glasses. Of course Johnny X used his 18" forearm in the process and received a yellow, but the point was made. Mike Gregory had a bit of tussling going on playing the right fullback taking on a Latin Marine who Mike proceeded to hip check to the ground and then explain to the young fellow, that it was a textbook hockey cheque [Canadian spelling] and quite legal. Needless to say the Latin did not approve and proceeded to chest bump Mike back about 10 yards. Later in the half the two tangled again with the Latin pulling Mike’s shorts to the ground (must be part of GerrysHead's band of sexual deviants!) which prompted mass camera flashes.
The Rat Masters took charge again when Stanley chipped a beautiful ball into the six which Daniel, a.k.a. "Chicken Legs", feathered over the keeper, the Frank Purdue Ballet lessons finally paying off. We all headed back to midfield for the restart convinced that the team - some of whom played in the previous match against the Pinks - could not go into OT again and hope to survive, so they pressed forward. Stanley drew a foul just outside the 18 to win a set piece. With Gregory, Carter and Daniel running dummies to the back post Stanley streaked across the middle to head a perfectly placed cross from Ricky to score the final goal. Johnny X then started dancing around assuming we were already in OT saying "We won, we won!!!"; of course we looked at him a bit puzzled knowing we still had to defend for six minutes. The Rat Masters weathered the storm and took home a second slice of victory pie.
When the late fees & 29% interest are calculated, the credit merchants of Variable FC will have this final tally on the month's statement:
- "This is an attempt to collect a debt . . ."
- Sidewalk Café knocks them out the 2004-'05 CVSA Cup
- Rat Masters knocks them out of the 2004-'05 Copa Bruce
- "What's in your wallet?"
THE WANK(s)
- Gerry "GerrysHead" Kealy: this scouse wankey couldn't hit a barn from twelve yards out, much less a goal. Hell, our 'keeper could've hidden behind the net and you still would've missed it! Beckham & Kealy - soulmates in parallel universes of wankdom.
- Philip McAllister (a.k.a. "Jimmy Neutron", "Simon"): big with the talk, small on action, it was his "big dog" comment to Johnny X that sparked the Rat Masters rally and led to Variable's second elimination from Cup play by a Fan Rats squad in the last four months. Hey Simon, why don't you get a Fan Rat logo tatooed on your ass and we'll just call you "our bi+ch" going forward?
 Phil McAllister after his early goal put Variable up 1:0. The end result: another Cup elimination at the hands of a Rats squad. |
 GerrysHead hasn't been spotted since his PK miss on 03/31/05 at Dorey Park. Police do have some clues - GerrysHead's vehicle has been spotted near some local elementary schools at 3:30 each afternoon. |
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- 09/13/05)